A few weeks ago, I went to a Mexican Restaurant in Wickenburg, AZ, with some family and friends. The food was delicious, the service excellent, and we were having a great time catching up. Nonetheless, because there were quite a few of us and because of the outrageous cost of everything these days, dinner was not inexpensive, which makes the next part of my story a little more unhappy.
Part way through our meal, a couple with a toddler was seated in the same area of the restaurant. Almost immediately, the little one started to regale the surrounding diners with ear-piercing bursts of high-pitched shrieking, in a room with vibrant acoustics. There was no wind up, no warning. He snapped instantly from quiet to deafening.
Needless to say, this was uncomfortable. And the discomfort continued despite glances from a couple of us, subtly suggesting (imploring?) that some relief would be nice. I used to hate when old people began sentences with—In my day… But I now find myself relating. So here it goes—In my day, a disapproving glance at a child’s misbehavior reinforced the need to solve the problem quickly. In my day, that was common practice. Even beyond my days of young motherhood, that was common.
These days, some people feel entitled to just about everything, including taking a child prone to loud outbursts into a restaurant. And some even feel entitled to sling hostility at anyone suggesting, even discretely, that something be done. The little screamer’s mom demanded, ad nauseum, that we stop looking at them. That her son is a good kid. She is a good mom. He’s only 18 months old. It’s none of our business. And more. Unfortunately, it becomes everyone’s business when one group disturbs other groups confined to the same space.
Revealing her son’s age might have been an attempt to garner a bit of sympathy. Yes, some toddlers are a handful. Some aren’t. But it’s up to parents to figure out when their particular child is ready to dine out. This one clearly was not. Luckily, we were soon ready to leave anyway. But on our way out, we endured more verbal abuse, including an F-bomb. I felt sorry for the patrons we left behind.
Her defensiveness suggests a bit of appropriate embarrassment. But I had to wonder why the little one was here in the first place. Get a sitter, order take out, or skip dining out for a little while. You could put the money you save in your little guy’s college fund.
It would be nice if more parents understood how to prepare their children for eating out. I’d like to offer some suggestions. These strategies are also helpful for more cooperative kids. But don’t feel bad if you didn’t get one of those. All kids have their own temperament and all of them feel entitled to their bad habits if not corrected.
If your youngster tends to squeal, gently and consistently start discouraging this right away. If he is overstimulated or overtired, it’s time for a calming introduction to a nice little nap. But if you’ve ascertained that there is no serious problem, try a disapproving look or gesture every time he shrieks and, in turn, reward him with smiles, cuddles, and compliments for settling down. Practice brief periods of quiet play and talking. Even 10 minutes at a time will help your progeny develop the ability to be quiet and to understand when it’s warranted. If your little one screams at home, turn or walk away to show that such behavior does not earn your attention.
If your child shrieks or bangs her spoon on the table or highchair tray while being fed, don’t fret. You can fix this! Dr. Spock (the pediatrician, not the Vulcan on Star Trek) wrote articles and books about child rearing. He explained how to introduce food consumption: As soon as the baby shows interest in feeding herself, put a plastic tablecloth under the highchair to catch spills, give her a bowl or plate of food and a spoon and leave her alone. Don’t help. Don’t scold.
Have your little cherub eat with the family. She might make quite a mess at first, but she will also watch and mimic others. Soon, she’ll figure out how to get more food in her mouth than on the floor. She will start using a spoon. The need to bang impatiently on the table will be thwarted since she will be in control. Helplessness is frustrating. Isn’t it? This process can quickly lead to a happy, independent eater. Then, everyone else will get to eat in peace, too!
Most little ones are full of energy and curiosity. They want to touch things and explore. Some are avid climbers. Outbursts will likely occur when a tyke is prevented from pursuing his immediate inclinations. Instead, redirect his attention with a small bag of toys that are not part of his daily life. You don’t have to buy new stuff every time you go out. But if you put items in a bag that are only for when you go out, and change them up regularly, they will seem new to little Mr. Not-Much-Memory-Yet. And don’t forget to engage with him sometimes, too. Kids don’t like to be ignored. Do you?
When your child is old enough to respond to consequences, take her outside when she misbehaves. If not, get to-go boxes and take the whole family home. Yes, I know. You want to enjoy your dinner, too. You want to dine out, too. Well, it may not feel like it now, but this phase won’t last forever.
Let your little one’s behavior indicate when he’s ready to dine out. But be flexible. No one has to be perfect, right? That applies to kids, too. Most people are fine with a little noise or an occasional outburst from a very young child. Maybe make it a rule that after the first (or second?) shriek, you go home. That would probably be the limit of by-stander patience. And go home calmly, without resentment. This isn’t about punishment. This is about recognizing your child’s limitations and correcting your mistake. Raising children is about firm, consistent, loving correction.
Unfortunately, the little diner among us in Arizona had free-reign to be disruptive. And he knew it. It wasn’t his fault. It was his parents’ fault. Unless absolutely imperative, do not put children in situations they are not ready for. It creates unnecessary stress, for everyone, including the tiny tots. Be patient. And please try very hard not to be the person others have to be patient with. Your children will learn eventually and you will be proud to take them out.
