Dear Grayce,
The holidays are approaching, and I dread dealing with my ex-husband. My ex is a narcissist, and every year, he uses this time to manipulate plans, guilt-trip me, and twist everything to make me look like a bad parent. I want to protect my kids from the chaos but always feel exhausted and emotionally drained. How can I keep my sanity and create a joyful holiday for my children?
Sincerely,
Overwhelmed & Anxious Mom
Dear Overwhelmed & Anxious Mom,I’ve walked in your shoes. The holidays can become a minefield when you’re co-parenting with a narcissist. The stress of balancing the season’s emotional weight with a partner who thrives on manipulation and gaslighting can make it hard to feel the holiday spirit. Please know that you’re not alone. There are ways to protect your mental health, set boundaries, and create a peaceful, joyful holiday for you and your children. I’ve been there, and I understand.
My ex-husband constantly played games with me, including holiday travel arrangements for our children, especially when it involved flights or airports. He would deliberately mix up times or not pay for their luggage, causing unnecessary stress for me and our kids. He “lost” my children’s medication during several of their trips, putting their health at risk, only to blame and belittle me. These situations left me feeling powerless, but over time, I realized these were just more tactics in his long-standing pathological control strategy.
Long after fifteen years of marriage and our divorce, his narcissistic abuse continued. Every decision involving money or support became another avenue for him to assert control and make things difficult for everyone. He would refer to me and our three children as his “chattel,” using an old English term for property. It was dehumanizing and painful, but it also opened my eyes to how deep his need for control ran. Knowing this, I had to develop new strategies to protect my peace and sanity, not just during the holidays.
The fact that our children are now adults has eased his control over me, but he continues to manipulate them, using money as his primary tool. Time has passed, but his toxic behavior has not changed. I will forever be in recovery from the trauma of it all.
The holidays can heighten emotions. They bring joy, but they can also intensify feelings of loneliness, anxiety, or unresolved conflicts. Narcissists love to use these emotional peaks to their advantage, amplifying their manipulative behaviors. They might disrupt plans at the last minute, question your parenting decisions, or attempt to dominate the holiday schedule to make it look like they’re the more involved parent.
If you’re in any toxic relationship, whether it be family, romantic, or friendship, as soon as you don’t conform to the wants of the toxic people and their drama, you’ll most likely end up on the receiving end of their toxic behavior. It can be in the form of verbal abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, physical abuse, and even sexual abuse. You deserve better. The tactics of an abuser do not define you.
Your first step in managing this is recognizing that these behaviors are part of the narcissist’s playbook. They thrive on coercive control, and the holidays offer an ideal setting to manipulate, knowing you may be more vulnerable or seeking peace for the kids. This behavior is predictable and does not reflect your character. Navigating these emotional traps means strengthening your mental resilience. While it’s tempting to engage in arguments or try to defend yourself, the narcissist will only use this to wear you down. Instead, focus on your mental health and the well-being of your children.
Remember, self-care isn’t a luxury; it’s a necessity. Incorporate healing practices, meditation, or even journaling to help ground yourself. When your emotions run high, take a step back to breathe and reset. Consider finding a therapist or support group who understands the difficulty of co-parenting with a narcissist, especially during holidays. Taking care of your mental health is a powerful tool that helps you stay calm, clear, and more effective when setting boundaries.
Your children deserve a happy Mom and a holiday season that is peaceful and joyful. Narcissists often try to use the children as pawns, making them the focus of manipulation to get back at you. While you can’t control what happens when the children are with your ex, you can control the environment you create. It’s important to maintain consistency, uphold traditions, and celebrate in ways that reinforce a sense of security and stability for your children.
One of the most important tools you have when dealing with a narcissistic ex is the ability to say “no.” Narcissists are skilled at pushing boundaries, particularly during emotionally charged times like the holidays. They may insist on changing plans at the last minute or demand more time with the children, expecting you to fold under the pressure. Saying “no” doesn’t have to be combative. It’s about setting and enforcing boundaries. Consider creating a holiday schedule and sticking to it, refusing to engage in arguments, or calmly repeating your decisions without getting drawn into emotional traps.
For example, if your ex insists on altering holiday plans, you can say, “I’m sorry, but we’ve already agreed on our schedule, and I’m sticking to it.” Don’t feel the need to explain or justify yourself; narcissists will often take any explanation as an opportunity to argue or manipulate. Boundaries are your best defense against manipulation. Saying “no” is not only okay; it is necessary.
Narcissists may try to claim certain holiday traditions for themselves or use them as leverage to assert control over the children’s experience. It can be heartbreaking when a narcissist tries to weaponize traditions you’ve worked hard to create. Consider starting new traditions with your children. These could include baking special cookies together, having a holiday movie marathon, or going on a winter nature hike. The idea is to shift the focus away from what your ex is trying to control and instead create joyful, meaningful moments that you and your kids can cherish.
One of the most effective strategies for neutralizing narcissist tactics is emotionally detaching. This doesn’t mean you’re uncaring, but that you refuse to give them the emotional response they seek. When communicating with your ex, keep things as neutral and brief as possible. Stick to facts, and avoid engaging in any emotional back-and-forth. The “gray rock” method can be effective, where you make yourself unresponsive to their provocations (Sword and Zimbardo, PsychologyToday.com). Over time, they’ll see that they can’t trigger you, and their manipulative attempts may lessen.
RECLAIM the holidays for yourself. Focus on what brings you joy, what makes you feel connected, and how you want to celebrate. Despite the challenges, you can create meaningful memories with your children. The more you embrace your happiness and self-worth, the less your ex’s manipulations will impact you. I also recommend the Narcissist Apocalypse Podcast and its support group, which can be found on the website https://narcissistapocalypse.com/.
Co-parenting with a narcissist, especially during the holidays, is incredibly challenging. But you can navigate this sharp and triggering terrain with grace by protecting your mental health, setting firm boundaries, and creating a joyful, peaceful environment for your children. You’ve got this, and remember, the best gift you can give yourself and your kids this holiday season is the gift of peace, stability, and so much love!
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence or abuse, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text “START” to 88788, or visit thehotline.org for confidential support and resources.
