Dear Grayce,
Dating today feels more challenging than ever, especially for those over forty-five. Finding meaningful connections between busy schedules, social media, and the ever-growing dating apps is complex. I’m a successful, independent person, but dating has become a series of endless swipes and shallow conversations. Is it just me, or is it getting more complicated for men and women to find genuine relationships? How can I navigate this modern dating landscape while staying true to myself?
Sincerely,
Lost in Swipe Left
Dear Lost,
First and foremost, please know that your challenges in the modern dating scene are not unique to you. They resonate with people of all ages, from 25 to 45 and beyond. The once simple act of organically meeting someone at a party or through friends has been replaced by a whirlwind of swipes, texts, half-hearted conversations, and ghosting. This shift, driven by algorithms and technology, often leaves us feeling more disconnected than connected. You are not alone in this.
The dating hurdles can feel incredibly daunting, especially for those over 45. We’re no longer in our twenties or thirties, and life’s experiences and traumas have left their marks and increased our cortisol. I believe the solution to these challenges, regardless of age, lies in the same place: within.
Self-Love Is the Foundation for ALL Ages
At any age and despite the cliches, the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself. But as we grow older, that relationship becomes even more crucial. Our sense of self shifts as we go through life’s ups and downs—whether through the end of a relationship, the passing of a loved one, or simply the realization that our priorities have changed.
Self-love is not a distant concern for younger people; it’s a journey that spans a lifetime. Building a foundation of love and respect for yourself early in life equips you to face the challenges of relationships. In your twenties and thirties, dating can often feel like a quest for external validation, seeking others to fill gaps in your self-worth. But happiness and fulfillment can only come from within, regardless of age.
For those over forty-five, embracing self-love means acknowledging that we deserve deep, meaningful connections. But it also means understanding that we no longer have the time or energy to tolerate relationships that drain us emotionally or are one-sided. If we evolve with awareness, we become more transparent about what we want and, more importantly, what we need. This clarity can be a gift, even when dating feels more difficult and draining.

Navigating the Cluster B Landscape
Regardless of age, dating in today’s world can present a unique challenge: dealing with emotionally unavailable people or those with traits that fall under the cluster B personality spectrum, which includes issues such as narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder. While these individuals can indeed be found in any generation, the more life experience we have, the more likely we are to encounter people who still need to do the necessary emotional work to sustain healthy relationships.
Developing a sense of emotional awareness early on is essential for younger people. Learning how to spot red flags like love bombing, manipulation, narcissism, or emotional instability can save you from unnecessary heartache down the line. For older people, it’s recognizing signs lickety-split and trusting our intuition when something feels off. We’ve lived long enough to know what doesn’t work, and it’s okay to walk away from a connection that drains more than nourishes. Look for consistent behavior patterns, pay attention to how they make you feel, and trust your instincts if something doesn’t seem right.
As we age, protecting our emotional energy becomes increasingly important. Setting boundaries and prioritizing our mental well-being is non-negotiable. We no longer have the patience or desire to engage with people who are not emotionally available or who try to manipulate our feelings. Stepping into the next stage of life with this understanding is empowering, and it allows us to set the bar for the kind of relationship we want rather than settling for anything less. YOU are in control of your dating life.
Doing the Inner Work Is a Lifelong Journey
One thing that unites all of us, regardless of age, is the need to do inner work. To create space for love, we must address the emotional traumas and triggers we carry from past relationships, disappointments, and unfulfilled expectations.
For those in their twenties or thirties, this work might involve reflecting on early relationships, writing down clear intentions for the kind of connection they want, or breaking free from societal or cultural pressures around what love should look like. What does inner work look like? For those over forty-five, this work is about healing from past heartbreak, embracing authenticity, and making room for vulnerability in healthier relationships that align with the people we’ve become. This could involve revisiting past relationships to understand what went wrong, seeking therapy to heal from past traumas, or rediscovering our identity outside of a relationship.
One of the most powerful things you can do is to reflect on your dating patterns and ask yourself if you’re repeating behaviors or choices that no longer serve you. This introspection is crucial for creating the emotional space needed for a fulfilling relationship.
Dating Today: Embracing the Challenge
Dating can feel like a cluster yuk for anyone, but with the right mindset, it’s also a place of growth and opportunity. It may feel harder because our lives are fuller and our time is more precious. But this challenge also presents a chance to approach love more intentionally and meaningfully.
If you’re younger, use this time to understand yourself deeply before jumping into relationships that may not serve your long-term happiness. For those of us in midlife, dating allows us to bring our whole selves to the table. No one is perfect, so set your intentions authentically—embracing your flaws, strengths, and vulnerabilities—to ‘humanifest’ someone who truly appreciates you for who you are.

There’s Hope for All of Us
Dating will always have its challenges at any age. But the key is to remember that love is possible at every stage of life. The more we love and honor ourselves, the more likely we attract the right person, not just anyone. When we do the inner work, whether in our twenties or our fifties, we clear the way for healthy, enriching relationships that support our growth.
As I shared with journalist Maressa Brown for her article “Single and Not Looking” in Yahoo News last year, “I believe in love; I believe love is what we’re here for, but love comes to us in different ways.”
To those over forty-five, take heart—you are not alone in facing the challenges of dating today, and they do not define you. To those under forty-five, remember that the work you do now lays the foundation for the love you seek in the future. Self-love and personal growth are not just choices; they are the keys to unlocking the love you desire. With this awareness, love is always within reach. In the meantime, you hold the key to your own heart.
With love and resilience,
Grayce